Escape

I slide down deeper into the water until my head slips just under the surface. The washing machine downstairs sounds oddly more clear while the music coming from the speakers resting on the back of the toilet sounds muffled and distant. But everything is so quiet. I open my eyes slowly, feeling the weight of the water on my eyeballs. I can feel my chest start to constrict but looking upward through the water is like seeing a different world. Shapes and colors lose their distinctness and everything seems to move, soft and immaterially blending together. My eyes start to burn along with my lungs. Suddenly I let the air gush out and push my body out of the water, sending a splendid splash over the edges of the tub. My momentary escape is over.

It's coming!

My mission call! It's on it's way!! Sources say that it will be soon!!! (Note my excitement in the over-usage of punctuation...) So now is the time to submit your guesses. You may guess one state-side mission and one foreign mission. Prizes will be awarded for correct (or close) guesses at the call-opening BBQ (date pending, but hopefully this Wednesday - June 17) to which you are all invited. If you read my blog but haven't ventured to leave a comment, now is the time. Here is a list of all the current missions for your guessing convenience.

Try, try again

Failure. It's the word I can't get out of my head. It seems to keep crawling back up my arm and onto my shoulder, whispering in my ear that I'm not good enough. Plenty of people have told me I'm too hard on myself, that I hold myself to too high a standard and some have even said that I hold everyone to too high a standard. I don't know, maybe it's true. But I just can't settle.

Everyone has a certain part of themselves that they loath. The part that makes mistakes, looses its cool, sleeps in, wastes time, is inconsiderate and forgetful, treats others poorly. There are a multiplicity of sins I could add to this list of things I see and hate in myself. We all have imperfections and we all deal with that fact differently. Some like to ignore it, pretending that their faults don't exist. Maybe for them accepting the fact that they are imperfect means accepting defeat. Some like to emphasize their weaknesses and tell everyone about each mistake. Some get angry and defensive when faced with their faults and some curl up into the fetal position and give up, thinking that the challenge of overcoming them is too much.

I exhibit each method of dealing with my flaws to some extent. But for the most part, when one of my less-than-desirable traits is brought to my attention either by someone else or an illuminating circumstance, I tend to dwell on it get really down on myself. I start bringing up other things that I’m not good at and things start to spiral downward. However, I usually don’t let this go on for too long and soon I am much more motivated to be better – to handle the situation better next time, to be less effected by my emotions, to hold my tongue instead of brazenly speaking my mind.

Pearl S. Buck, author of The Good Earth, said, “Every great mistake has a halfway moment, a split second when it can be recalled and perhaps remedied.” I think that is true. We have the choice, many times even in the very act of making a mistake, to choose a better way, to right the wrong. I hope that through my many failures I learn to recognize that split second when I am capable of altering my gut reaction and that experience by experience my character will be refined. Of course any progress I make in this life is wholly due the One who makes hope into reality. I read this when my human imperfections press on me most heavily and all at once I know where to turn for strength.

Contentment

The placid days grow longer

Warm breezes lift cotton skirts as little girls dance in the grass

The lazy hum of summer starts to sink in

Days melt together

The poppies along the stone walk, with petals like tangerine crepe paper, their drooping heads give off a carefree air

Everything in the world seems right.

River Rat + five pokes

I got a second job. But it's more like Michelle gets to play outside all summer instead of washing dishes at Brown Brothers... although I'll still be doing a bit of that. I am working for High Country Rafting as a river guide!! Which means that I will get to take people down the Provo river in rafts and kayaks and get sweet chaco lines. What could be better than that? I walked into the information meeting and gazed around at all the boys with long hair, hemp bracelets, chacos, and bandanas and got really excited. It reminded me of all the times Erin and I talked about going granola and becoming river women. Living the dream, only minus Erin. In addition to learning to tame the Provo river (haha, ahem...) to gain some experience, the crew will be taking trips to run a few additional rivers including the colorado in Moab in two weeks. I'm pumped. Seriously.

Mission news: I've had four shots and one finger prick in the past three days. We are getting very close now!

Runnin'-runnin-in

I hate running. I've heard all the arguments in favor of this less-than-appealing mode of exercise - the great way to see places and experience the outdoors, the great chance to set goals and see improvement, the great great feeling you get at the end of a long run... But I still don't get it. Running hurts every part of my body.

Nevertheless, I have been running three times a week with my African Lover (story to come, maybe, I still don't really know who reads this) and today he decided we should run up the hill behind the Timpview baseball diamond a few times. I. WANTED. TO. DIE.

(African Lover)

Keep telling me that this is good for me, that it will get easier, that I will get slimmer, that I will feel more alive.

For now I still hate it.

Home

Home is a beautiful word that means many different things to different people. So I have found myself at home again, meaning I moved back in with my parents, a very good move. I love being in this house. I love having my family around. I love the big yard and trees and flowers. I love feeling like a part of family all the time, although I have been consistently sleeping through 6 am scripture time which I intend to repent of.

This has been a busy week for the fam (nothing is ever very busy for me - I have oodles of time to do with as I please at the moment, although getting another job is what my mother would like me to be doing... we can get into that later) but it has been kind of fun to be the extra adult around the house. I like helping Ali and Will with their homework. I like making deals with Will so he practices. I like hearing about the things they are involved in on a daily basis as opposed to a weekly basis. I took them both to a little Salvadorean restaurant on center street last night that I discovered through a friend and we had a great time trying new food, making it home in time to enjoy American Idol and Fringe over icecream. It was good sibling bonding time.

For those who didn't know, I'm almost done with my mission papers and hope to be getting my call in the beginning of June. I'm so excited about my decision to serve, but being home has made me realize how much I am going to miss my family. And I think that is a good thing. Spending all the time I can with them now and strengthening my relationship with each person is exactly what I feel like I should be doing. I am so grateful for the time I have to be HOME.