Saturday, March 7, 2009

Old Wounds

Do you ever have that horrible lonely feeling when you're walking around someplace and there are people all around but for some reason you don't fit in?  And you'd give anything just to be with your best friend, no matter how mean they've been to you?

When your best friend is selfish, what keeps you devoted to them is the fact that when they shine on you, it's like this souped-up shine.  And you feel like you're in the club, and you don't even know what the club is, you just know you want to stay in it.

Theses are thoughts from what feels like a very long time ago.  But sometimes when I hear or see something that reminds me of that time in my life, I feel just like this again: confused, hurt, frustrated, helpless, pathetic... but at the same time, lucky to be considered her best friend.

I don't tell many people this because I want to be a confident person, someone who has it together. But I have a complex about feeling unwanted, unneeded.  It's developed over that past couple of years and was recently reinforced by a heartbreak.  I get nervous to call my friends because I don't want to seem obtrusive or annoying.  I'm often unsure about how people really feel about me.  This lack of self-confidence is really quite uncharacteristic of me though, and it frustrates me.  I hope that I can shake it soon.


Lon and Brooke said...

Michelle.. I have just spent an hour searching out your blog. I have never been so involved in a blog before. Its such an amazing thing, seeing and hearing your thoughs. Ya know, you are an amazing person. I can't even begin to comprehend how you have felt these past few years. I feel like a horrible friend! I wasted our freshman year on making trouble for myself then took off... sighhh... I look up to you and would love to spend time with you. When I think of the word "friend" your darling face pops into view. You are the most devoted friend I know. Its a gift you have been given and I hardly deserve it, being that I am defined as a horrible friend! Anyhow, even if we can't see each other because of schedules... you must write. Your writting is captivating....

Jen said...

1. I love your blog.
2. Life is...complicated. And made to seem very simple when I place little snippets on the internet for others to read.
3. Yes. I was literally in a different city other than Provo (like LA, Vegas, SLC, St. George, etc) every single weekend for the months of January and February, one weekend in March, and then chilling with Cameron in his ward for the last two weeks. This absent little kid will be back this week because I'm sick of feeling displaced, no matter how much "the church stays the same".
4. That sounds like a good idea. I miss all of you. I've become such a ballroom girl...I need to come back to home base for a little bit.

Jen said...