Monday, September 8, 2008

September 1, 2008

The storm finally broke, unleashing a torrent of rain at the very moment the heavens decided to open their windows and pour down sunshine. What a fascinating phenomenon. As I sat in the car not knowing whether to sob or break into joyous laughter and consequently doing both concurrently, I knew it would all be okay. She and I are living a tragic story good enough to be a best seller. It is full of heartache and love, friendship and sorrow, the very best and worst of humanity.

For months I've been trying to find balance in my life, wondering if she cares and hoping she does but finding so much evidence to the contrary. There are few people in my life who have entered with such force and meaning. Few, aside from my family, that I have cared so earnestly about. Our friendship has not been an easy one, riddled with trials and experiences that have tested the very depth of my soul. I've been left broken with only shreds of light to cling to and little to hope for. Numberless times I gave up and swore never to go back. But something always guided me through the darkness, rebuilding me and giving me strength far beyond my own, each time bestowing on me more power and potential for greatness than I could imagine. The goodness seemed to seep through the cracks in my heart and fill me to a greater capacity than before.

This summer, I was shown a way to live without her care. It tested my soul just as before and required more sacrifice than I knew was possible. I rode the rollercoaster of uncertainty and hope while trying my best to be everything she needed. I know she has been on the same ride. But although I saw much of the sun, the clouds seemed ever present, heavy and brooding. Today I realized how much she does care. We sat in my parent's old Benz outside her ghetto apartment and cried together. Well, she cried and I sobbed and laughed. My emotions were overwhelming and seemed to be a human reflection of the weather we had just experienced. Sunshine has been a constant for the past few weeks. The glorious days have been full of light and warmth. And then rain, rain like I haven't seen in a long time. It simply poured buckets and buckets of rain yesterday and all night long. I left my window open so I could listen to the storm as I fell asleep. The beautiful sounds of the heavens unsettled lifted my lids this morning as well. It finally poured down rain and it seemed to me as if all the sadness in the world was being released from the sky.

That is how I felt as I sat staring through her blue eyes, finally seeing what I have looked for for so long. In that instant I knew she loved me and all the sadness that I ever felt rained down from my nose and eyes. Sadness for myself because at the very moment I realized how much she cares, I lost my best friend. Sadness for her because she can't show me that love and make her fiancĂ© happy at the same time. Sadness for the simple tragedy of it all – two people who care so genuinely for each other, but for reasons beyond their control, are not able to be a support to each other. It makes me cry even now. But as the sadness pours from me, the sun shines brighter than ever before. It is one of my favorite phenomena of nature, when from a clear blue sky full of sunshine, the rain starts falling. I don't understand how it happens.

All the goodness that our friendship ever generated remains but the pain has disappeared. The broken things have all been replaced with newness that reflects what was lost in a more perfect form. That is what life can be with hearts centered on a perfect being whose love heals all. The sun will always shine, even when it's pouring rain.