Wanted

Friday was a very long day.  Please excuse the nerdy engineering analogy, but time seems to flow like a shear-thickening (think starch and water mixture) fluid near the end of the semester.  The more stress I'm under, the more viscous time becomes, moving slower and slower until it barely moves at all, like the weeks will never end.  I was at the end of a highly viscous week Friday afternoon so I sought sanctuary at my parent's house for a nice meal and some caring faces.  I love my parents dearly. It is wonderful to have such solid constants in my life.

I was looking forward to spending some quality time with a good friend who was only in town for that night, so while I waited to hear what the plan was, I decided to kill time and start a movie with my mom and dad.  Near the end of the movie, I started to wonder.  It was getting late and my phone was being suspiciously quiet.  I sent out an inquiring text.  No answer.  The movie ended.  I decided to kill a little more time on facebook.  Finally, I got a response letting me know that they had already been hanging out for a while but I wasn't invited.  I stared at my phone feeling silly for thinking that I was wanted.  Only one tear got out.  

Then I heard that ambivalent popping sound of a facebook chat window coming alive, which means that someone you've been trying to avoid finally caught you on facebook, or that a friend cares enough to say hello.  Luckily for me, it was the latter.  Rocker wanted to talk to me!  What's more, he wanted to play guitar with me!  He must be living right because at the moment I needed to feel like someone wanted me, he did.  He brought two guitars and lots of musical toys and we had a great time, me learning and listening in awe and he teaching and smiling and sharing.  Thanks Rocker.  You made my night.

Wasted Time

Clever title, no?

Since seven o'clock this evening I have done nothing but waste time...
- watched American Idol. entertaining? yes. good use of my time? no.
- turned on my hair straightener. is my hair any straighter than when I turned it on 3.5 hours ago? no.
- watched the news. informative? not really. trance inducing? yes.
- read blogs. did I laugh? yes indeed.
- tried to figure out how to embed a playlist. playlist embedded? check. is it where I wanted it? no. did it have to take me 1.5 hous? i think not.

Here are the things I wish I would have done with my time instead...
+ studied for Spanish (which I love).
+ dove deeply into my scriptures (because I need to every day).
+ learned a new song on the guitar (with which to serenade ashton).
+ found batteries for my calculator (which has been dead for two days causing countless problems in my life).
+ purchased milk (so that I can have a banana shake for breakfast tomorrow).
+ gone to sleep by eleven (um... why is it I'm still awake?).

But in my defense, I did do a few good things today...
~ went to all of my classes (including the dreaded stats lab).
~ did not fall asleep in any of my classes (not even in fluid mechanics).
~ aced my oral Spanish test (without even studying).
~ gave a friend in need a ride home (because I love her).
~ took my little sister dress shopping for prom(we had little success however).
~ let Papa Bear borrow my car (which he filled with gasoline - thanks daddy!).

With approximately three weeks of school left in the semester, I am really struggling to find the motivation to put my energy toward studying. It's nearly impossible for me to be productive after five o'clock if I'm not working on homework with other people. This has got to change... Well "tomorrow is another day!"

Old Wounds

Do you ever have that horrible lonely feeling when you're walking around someplace and there are people all around but for some reason you don't fit in?  And you'd give anything just to be with your best friend, no matter how mean they've been to you?

When your best friend is selfish, what keeps you devoted to them is the fact that when they shine on you, it's like this souped-up shine.  And you feel like you're in the club, and you don't even know what the club is, you just know you want to stay in it.

Theses are thoughts from what feels like a very long time ago.  But sometimes when I hear or see something that reminds me of that time in my life, I feel just like this again: confused, hurt, frustrated, helpless, pathetic... but at the same time, lucky to be considered her best friend.

I don't tell many people this because I want to be a confident person, someone who has it together. But I have a complex about feeling unwanted, unneeded.  It's developed over that past couple of years and was recently reinforced by a heartbreak.  I get nervous to call my friends because I don't want to seem obtrusive or annoying.  I'm often unsure about how people really feel about me.  This lack of self-confidence is really quite uncharacteristic of me though, and it frustrates me.  I hope that I can shake it soon.