Wet the bed

3:44 am - Michelle wakes up feeling very tired, but also very thirsty. She looks at her phone, grabs the water bottle on her night stand and unscrews the lid...

4:03am - Michelle wakes up feeling very tired, and also very wet. She notices a half spilled water bottle next to her, is too groggy to care very much, takes a few big gulps of the water that stayed in the water bottle and sets it back on the nightstand, figuring she'll find the lid in the morning.

Mmmm... haven't slept in a wet bed in very long time.

Attack of the Clones

The weirdest thing just happened. I was sending an email, but didn't know the address of the person I was sending it to, so I was trying to figure out how to pull up my contacts list. Now, I know that I should already know how to find my contact list from the compose message page, and I also know that I could have just started typing their name and a list of possible matches would have popped up. But for some reason I was feeling curious and when I saw the little button on the top right hand side of the address bar, I decided to push it and see what happened...
The next thing I know, a new gmail window is popping up.

Side note: For anyone who has ever used Grandma's computer, you know how incredibly slow it is. I have developed a kind of patience I never knew existed before I started using this computer by finding new ways to entertain myself while waiting endlessly for the internet to work.

As I'm waiting for this new window to load, I see two more windows pop up on the start bar at the bottom of the screen and start flashing orange. Curious, no? Then to my utter amazement I notice that the number of new gmail windows has multiplied to six. Starting to get really weird. So I start clicking red X's in an attempt to get rid of a few extraneous windows, but before my efforts amount to anything, the flashing orange number is now 10, then 13, then 15 and 16. I'm now wondering what kind of evil virus I've unleashed on Grandma's computer by gently clicking a mysterious gmail button. Then a stroke of genius hits me. I pull up the task bar and select all of the internet explorer pages and kill them with the "end task" weapon. After doing that a few times, the chaos subsides and my windows stop reproducing and everything is still...

Very strange indeed.

Progress

This morning I had one of those transcendent experiences that break through the haze and give a more perfect view of life. It was less like seeing something new and previously undiscovered and more like remembering something from a long time ago, something that I couldn't quite fully bring to mind but that I knew was familiar.

The Draper temple feels like home. Not necessarily like my chilly basement abode, but like a place of safety, comfort, and peace. As I walked from room to room, my eyes were continually drawn to the lights, beautiful chandeliers and fixtures that sparkled with brilliance, bringing to mind the One who is Light. The imported African cherry wood throughout the temple gave it warmth and richness. Sego lilies made a interesting motif that could be found on the walls and ceilings and even in the carpet of one room and served as a reminder of our beautiful state and the heritage of the church in Zion.

My favorite rooms were the ordinance rooms with the beautiful murals and the celestial room. Being surrounded on all four sides with a continuous mural of stunning mountains or golden aspens is the coolest sensation. It was like looking into another world, one I might have been able to walk right into if only I were a bit more ethereal. It made me marvel at how beautiful our world is and what love our Heavenly Father has to create such a breathtaking place for us to live. But it was in the celestial room that the spirit touched me the strongest. As I gazed upward and got lost in the beauty of that room, I had such an intense longing to be with my Heavenly Father and to stay there forever. I didn't want to leave. "Please let me stay here with You," I thought, knowing that in a just a few minutes I would have to walk away. And then the most reassuring feeling came over me. The words were unclear but the message was sure, "Lovely daughter of mine, you cannot stay here in this room for there is much work for you to do. Go back and do your best, take me with you always and then in due time, you may stay with me forever." I left feeling fortified with a heart more tender, a view more clear, and a love more deep.

We cannot sit and bask in eternal light, hoping to become eternal ourselves. There is work to be done. Eternal progress is made by those who keep that glowing light bright in their minds and in their hearts while their hands are callused and their bodies ache from laboring for the Lord. We must live and work in the world where things do not always seem bright and obstacles may look insurmountable. But I know that as we keep doing our best to lift each other and grow closer to our Savior, our hearts will be knit together and we will soon be able to stay with Him forever.

Prince Charming

Have you ever known a boy who is nearly perfect for you in every way except one... and that is you can't stand him?


Okay, can't stand him is a bit harsh, but seriosly - try 6'2 with dreamy blue eyes, dark hair and a gorgeous smile, ambitious, smart, outdoorsy, musical, and with a heart of pure gold. Add to that list the fact that he has seen me in all sorts of sour moods and still adores me, would probably take me to the temple right now if I said I'd give it a go. He's just right except that there is absolutely no chemistry.


I feel like Giselle probably did when she realized that her prince charming just didn't quite do it for her. He was everything she always thought she wanted but when it came right down to it, although he fit all the criteria, the chemistry was missing.


This whole dating thing can be really rough. I'm throwing all lists of criteria out the window. All I want is a boy who excites me and inspires me. Everything else will just be a nice perk. We will learn to be perfect for each other together and continue until we're wrinkled and grey to find new ways to complete one another.

To blog or not to blog...

1) I don't really have time to do this and do it well... but why do I feel so compelled to do everything "well"? And how exactly does one blog well?

2) I care too much about what other people think... but I don't want to blog for other people, I want to do it for me. Isn't that what a jounal is for though?

3) This will keep me from doing things that are more important... like doing my homework. But is getting a coveted "A" really more important than documenting my life in a way that captures different aspects than journaling does?

4) I have more alone time than I have ever had in my life and this just might be a great way to further get in touch with myself... and keep me occupied when I wish someone (or anyone) was sitting next to me.

Well, posts might be few and far between but I want to write so the verdict is in. I will seriously begin to blog. Yikes.

(The sun is still shining)

September 1, 2008

The storm finally broke, unleashing a torrent of rain at the very moment the heavens decided to open their windows and pour down sunshine. What a fascinating phenomenon. As I sat in the car not knowing whether to sob or break into joyous laughter and consequently doing both concurrently, I knew it would all be okay. She and I are living a tragic story good enough to be a best seller. It is full of heartache and love, friendship and sorrow, the very best and worst of humanity.

For months I've been trying to find balance in my life, wondering if she cares and hoping she does but finding so much evidence to the contrary. There are few people in my life who have entered with such force and meaning. Few, aside from my family, that I have cared so earnestly about. Our friendship has not been an easy one, riddled with trials and experiences that have tested the very depth of my soul. I've been left broken with only shreds of light to cling to and little to hope for. Numberless times I gave up and swore never to go back. But something always guided me through the darkness, rebuilding me and giving me strength far beyond my own, each time bestowing on me more power and potential for greatness than I could imagine. The goodness seemed to seep through the cracks in my heart and fill me to a greater capacity than before.

This summer, I was shown a way to live without her care. It tested my soul just as before and required more sacrifice than I knew was possible. I rode the rollercoaster of uncertainty and hope while trying my best to be everything she needed. I know she has been on the same ride. But although I saw much of the sun, the clouds seemed ever present, heavy and brooding. Today I realized how much she does care. We sat in my parent's old Benz outside her ghetto apartment and cried together. Well, she cried and I sobbed and laughed. My emotions were overwhelming and seemed to be a human reflection of the weather we had just experienced. Sunshine has been a constant for the past few weeks. The glorious days have been full of light and warmth. And then rain, rain like I haven't seen in a long time. It simply poured buckets and buckets of rain yesterday and all night long. I left my window open so I could listen to the storm as I fell asleep. The beautiful sounds of the heavens unsettled lifted my lids this morning as well. It finally poured down rain and it seemed to me as if all the sadness in the world was being released from the sky.

That is how I felt as I sat staring through her blue eyes, finally seeing what I have looked for for so long. In that instant I knew she loved me and all the sadness that I ever felt rained down from my nose and eyes. Sadness for myself because at the very moment I realized how much she cares, I lost my best friend. Sadness for her because she can't show me that love and make her fiancé happy at the same time. Sadness for the simple tragedy of it all – two people who care so genuinely for each other, but for reasons beyond their control, are not able to be a support to each other. It makes me cry even now. But as the sadness pours from me, the sun shines brighter than ever before. It is one of my favorite phenomena of nature, when from a clear blue sky full of sunshine, the rain starts falling. I don't understand how it happens.

All the goodness that our friendship ever generated remains but the pain has disappeared. The broken things have all been replaced with newness that reflects what was lost in a more perfect form. That is what life can be with hearts centered on a perfect being whose love heals all. The sun will always shine, even when it's pouring rain.

March 29, 2007

I've never felt so incapable of helping someone. I'm at a complete loss. She cries and hangs her pretty head, then wipes it all away. It's nothing, it's nothing. Nothing.

The lines in my vision blur, all things melting into one chaotic mess. I have no solace for her. Nothing.

The redness fades in time but the remnant of sadness hangs heavy in the air all around her like a dense mosquito net that holds the insects in instead of keeping them out. Let it out. Out.

Let what out? The invisible pests buzz in my ear but I can't see them. What's the problem? Where does it hurt? You can't fix what's not broken... but something is broken. What? What.